Chapter 3...How do you know?
Bringing it up...
"No way!"
"Yep!" I blush and try to act nonchalante, but I've said it now and everyone knows and they look at me like I've done something terribly strange and out of the ordinary and of course this will affect my mind and probably hurt me and...these are people who care about me and now...I have to find the words to defend myself.
"It's not a fantasy! He's a real person!"
"But how do you know he's not just making himself up?"
"You can tell. After you talk to people a while you sort of, well, ummm, read between the lines, you know?" I'm not doing so well as I thought. They're looking at me with some major concern here. Non-Netters... "Really! He's a very nice person! He's just like me. Into all the things I'm into and we talk for hours. He CARES about me! No one can make up that much stuff!" I can see they don't believe me. They don't want to know about it. Here I am, telling them about something that is so intense and feels so good and wanting them to be happy for me and here they are, living RT lives and imagining I've gone off the deep end with my computer. How can you love a computer? Some of them turn away, getting coffee, worry showing up about their shoulders. Let it go for a while. I just won't bring it up. Damn! Where are all the grown up words when you need them?
OK, so I spend a lot of time on the Net. On the Chat lines. I've always stayed up later than anybody I know. It's nice to have company at night. It's great to have discussions about love and life and why people are the way they are. I like playing with the words. Making the story happen. Directing the screen play. So I get emotional. I've always been that way, especially about men who pay attention to me. I want to be in love. I want romance. I find a lot of that on-line. That's not strange is it?
The Family...
"You don't even talk to me anymore!"
"Yes I do. You just happen to come over really late and that's when I'm talking to my friends on the Net."
"No, you're on there all the time. It's not even REAL!"
"It's as real as when you go out and meet people somewhere. Just because they happen to live all over the world and talk to me through my computer...I go to work. I see people. I spend time with Alex when I get home. Then I talk to my friends."
"Look at your house! You don't even bother to clean it up anymore!"
"I didn't do that before this! Listen, I'll try to pay more attention to you, ok?"
I shut down the machine, but she's gone, slamming the door. Well? What can I say? I restart the modem and go back to answering my e-mail. It's so nice to have friends!
"Mooooommmmm. Are you going back on the Net again?!" He pouts and slumps into the couch.
"I'm just going to check the mail."
"I'm boooorrrrreeedddd!"
"Well, just give me a few minutes and then I'll make dinner and we can do something."
"That's what you always say. A minute means an hour!"
"Nope. Not tonight sweetie."
I'm really trying to spend more time with him when he's awake. I can wait 'till after he goes to bed to get on-line. For a while I know I was really addicted but I'm much better now. I make dinner and we eat on the couch, reading our separate authors as we munch. Then he goes over and...
"What are you up to?"
"I've got to check up on something," he says. He turns on the machine and modem and Netscape and clicks on his bookmark and is soon reading away about codes for his Nentendo or something. I go back to my book, letting him have privacy. Well, at least we're in the same room...
"I didn't say anything." Her look says it all.
"Mom, he's a REAL person! I really like him! He cares about ME."
"Whatever. Did you pay your rent?"
Tangible. She needs physical evidence that he is a real man. I've never met him in person, but I know him. I feel him. I care about him. I don't think she can fathom that. She's not mean, just realistic. We've both been alone for a long time... I am no longer alone, but my company is coming through my screen. When you haven't been there you can't really know how it feels.